guilt.

it seems like my dad is dealing with some job problems.

 

now i feel so guilty about my situation. so guilty.
how do i feel right that not only do my parents have to deal with their occupational dissatisfaction, but they also have to worry about me.

i don’t want to be selfish,
it makes it harder for me to be able to say something.

why is this all happening at once?

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i’m so confused.

i’m feeling a million different emotions at once.

currently, on a normal basis i feel helpless, upset, triggered to cry at any thing. feeling horrible at the idea i may need to ask someone for help.
and then suddenly happy when i accomplish something that i worked on and getting feed back.
after that i may start to panic a little.

i feel so unstable. like i may fall off at any moment.
but i must stay strong if i’m going to finish they battle.

 

edit:// 6:19pm
New feelings.
Maybe it’s because i really haven’t been doing much other than sitting at home on my bed.
but this is what it feels like to lose your appetite.
i’m not hungry, i don’t feel like eating. but i do because i need to.
i feel sick from eating.

sulking

i’m currently at a low. i don’t even know if it’s because i’m at such a low that i’ve lost emotions.

my first hope is gone, and now i’m waiting on my second hope.
i will pray with all my might that i’m able to beat through this.
i’m so ready to move on, but i guess if the world can’t give you the chance, or you can’t create the chance, there’s nothing much you can do about it.

did the talk help? i guess, in terms of someone to comfort me.
and i really appreciate it.
but i know it isn’t going to help the situation. there’s no one that can help me expect myself.
do i want to ask amir for help? i honestly don’t, i feel like i’m cheating, and i don’t know what the consequences are if someone finds out.
but if i’m stuck with no path, will i? definitely,

i know sitting here being upset about it won’t help, and i must get back up to finish what i on my plate now.
but i just wanted to move on, i was ready to try again and succeed. and i still am ready to succeed.

can the world hear me plead? am i pleading hard enough?

helpless again.

i don’t even know what happened.
maybe it’s because i went to hand in my documents at arts advising that made me more nervous than normal. no idea. don’t know.
but it was the first time that my emotions have changed so much. basically from one side to another. how.
I felt like i didn’t wanna be at work, and i wanted to leave, i didn’t know what i was doing there. i wanted my friends there. i don’t know.

all it took was for Myette to mention her old office assistant, and how langara took her in for school that my heart sank.
how. is it because i know i’m on the line?

in my heart, all i want to say is “i promise, i promise.” but these people that are going to handle this are not the type of people that will easy fall for pleads. it’s about whether i tried or not, if i have legit reasons. and all i can currently do is just hope. that i can make it
but with so many dead lines coming up. i don’t even know how this will work out.

 

i don’t know what i’m doing here. i don’t know what is happening. i just want to move on. can you please let me. please. i’m almost there, almost there. i’m sorry. please.

this new job was supposed to be a happy thing for me,even if it was stressful, even if it’s hard, this is supposed to be happy. i don’t want this to effect my job, please. i’m helpless again.

reliance.

i’m intrigued by our powers to remain silent.

he’s probably busy with friends. but this standstill, this silence.

 

it amuses me.

just like the other one’s silence.

perhaps he is busy, but this game. this silence.

it also amuses me.

i’m not too sure if i’m feeling emotionless.

or if i’m just still in shock

i’m sure if things head to the good side in the end i would look back thinking i was just being silly, but it was something to worry about.

but i currently don’t feel as worried as much i think i should be….

maybe that’s because there’s nothing i can worry about atm….

failing.

Have you ever felt like a failure?

Because I just did today. And it’s not like i want to talk to anyone about this either. That’s the problem. Only I can deal with this problem. But maybe this is just something that comes with wanting face and keeping my reputation, but I went from having such lows, to a little bit of a high, and now look where I am again.

I don’t even know if there’s even anything worth celebrating…..

I know the position I’m currently in doesn’t exactly mean that I’ve hit a dead end and there is nothing I can do about, but the feeling of waiting, that you’ve already messed up. The CHANCE that you can’t save it. This is what is scary.

What am I going to do if the bad things happen? How am i going to face myself and wake up every morning telling myself that everything will still be okay?

 

I guess time will tell.

 

but until then. I guess i’m back to writing online.

a place to dump my deepest and darkest secrets? or just things i don’t want to tell anyone because they’re not worth telling and I still want my face and reputation?

 

I hope i can look back at this in a few year and say. I had some really deep lows, but it made be stronger and better.