reliance.

i’m intrigued by our powers to remain silent.

he’s probably busy with friends. but this standstill, this silence.

 

it amuses me.

just like the other one’s silence.

perhaps he is busy, but this game. this silence.

it also amuses me.

i’m not too sure if i’m feeling emotionless.

or if i’m just still in shock

i’m sure if things head to the good side in the end i would look back thinking i was just being silly, but it was something to worry about.

but i currently don’t feel as worried as much i think i should be….

maybe that’s because there’s nothing i can worry about atm….

failing.

Have you ever felt like a failure?

Because I just did today. And it’s not like i want to talk to anyone about this either. That’s the problem. Only I can deal with this problem. But maybe this is just something that comes with wanting face and keeping my reputation, but I went from having such lows, to a little bit of a high, and now look where I am again.

I don’t even know if there’s even anything worth celebrating…..

I know the position I’m currently in doesn’t exactly mean that I’ve hit a dead end and there is nothing I can do about, but the feeling of waiting, that you’ve already messed up. The CHANCE that you can’t save it. This is what is scary.

What am I going to do if the bad things happen? How am i going to face myself and wake up every morning telling myself that everything will still be okay?

 

I guess time will tell.

 

but until then. I guess i’m back to writing online.

a place to dump my deepest and darkest secrets? or just things i don’t want to tell anyone because they’re not worth telling and I still want my face and reputation?

 

I hope i can look back at this in a few year and say. I had some really deep lows, but it made be stronger and better.

the smell of cigarettes never smelled so good.

lets be honest here.
i’m a social smoker.
i smoke when i’m out drinking,
and that’s not very often, so i’m okay with that (if i get anything further like casual, that’s a problem for me)

but it’s on those days when you feel like you’re growing
or you want to grow.
Maybe those days when you feel like there’s a change in the direction of the wind,
when you know something s about to change, or that change has occurred
that the smell of cigarettes never smelled so good.

those days when you need to relax
perhaps, you miss the nights where you can’t remember,
or your heart just pleads for you to forget, relax and escape
the smell of redbull has never triggered a memory so strong of alcohol and other sensuous nights

feelings.

three times the charm, baby.

I didn’t see you on the bus today,
but boy, was it worth it.

1pm today, Buchanan B
there you are again (dude i sound like a total stalker, but i swear i’m not, i totally sat there first and POOF there you were again)
i knew i recognized that beaning and that silly look of yours.

i fan girl.

beautiful again

maybe 10am, March 26th

It’s you again,
on the 480 again,
but this time from another stop,
and this time sitting right beside me.
white sweater, oxblood jeans, curly brown soft looking hair, headphones…
and last that blue and grey north face backpack.

it didn’t recognize you when you first sat down beside me in my favourite seat
and it wasn’t till we got to school and i saw your face that i knew.

you’re perfect, you’re awesome ❤

beautiful bodies

10:30am; 03/21/2013

bumped into a very cute boy on the bus
eye contact, smirks, gushing and all
he reminded me of….Steve from after school care
he was cute, awkward, likes to pick on the paper cupholder thing of his Starbucks cup
neck scruff, grey toque, the perfect height and the perfect size.

he was beautiful in my mind.
if i ever meet you again. ❤