Day 2. but not really.

Here goes chapter 2.

  • Well thank you for making me….one…two….three….fourfivesix. Hexalingual.
    • “He also determined the natural talents you would possess and the uniqueness of your personality”
  • PSYCH. kill myself now. jk. well i guess you planned that. thanks.
    • “He planned the days of your life in advance, choosing the exact time of your birth and death”
  • I guess he planned global warming, and i guess he planned for people to deny. Oh wait. so did he plan global warming. or is it the opposite? That he didn’t plan global warming. Hm. i wonder.
  • Okay so wait. if God created gay people. Then why do people say it’s wrong? Was that a mistake? Because if He makes no mistakes. then clearly something is wrong here…..There’s some sort of miscommunication here.
  • A love with exceptions. Clearly the LGBTQA community doesn’t receive the same amount of love. Or maybe I don’t deserve this love because I don’t believe *shrug* I don’t want it.
    • “Because he is a God of love”
  • Well shit. Westboro Baptist Church clearly didn’t get the message then. Because…….I don’t think…….that’s…..love LOL.
    • “But he wanted to make you in order to express his love”
  • If there’s anything that taught me more about love. It’s Harry Potter. But i didn’t need to know anything about religion to understand it. Why can’t it be like this? Maybe we should all read Harry Potter instead.
    • “The Harry Potter series, summed up, is about love. The power of a mother’s love saved Harry from dying the night his parents did. Snape’s love for Lily kept Harry safe. Harry’s ability to love became his biggest strength. The list can go on. J.K. Rowling taught us all from a young age that the power of love should never be underestimated.”
    • “You are protected, in short, by your ability to love!” – Albus Dumbledore
  • Um, what? I’m not an accident. Whether I was wanted or not. Even if i WAS an accident. My goal in life is to make it so that i’m NOT. I am no accident to the friends that i love and care for. I am no accident to the influence i have on the students i teach. It is no accident that the decisions i made helped me get to where i am today. If i stopped reading this book the purpose of my life would still continue. I will continue to educate and mentor my students – the people of the future. I would have meaning. I would continue to do good in the world at the best of my ability. I will take care of my friends. I will take care of the animals i have adopted for they are worth the love, care, and attention. I know my wrongs and rights. I know it’s wrong to judge people. I know it’s wrong to tell me that my life will have no meaning beyond believe and beyond this book. If i was “astronomical random chance in the universe”  then let that be. Because i know i am amazing, i am caring, i am kind, i am a good friend. And if i was to exist by chance. WELL THAT’S FUCKING AMAZING. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
    • “If there was no God, we would all be “accidents,” the result of astronomical random chance in the universe. You could stop reading this book because life would have no purpose or meaning or significance. There would be no right or wrong, and no hope beyond your brief years here on earth”
  • Why must my truth in life depend on me being created by someone. Why can’t i exist purely for the fact that i exist. and I’m here to do good? Why is it that if i have “no god” then my life is an accident, chane, no purpose or meaning or significance. That i would have no right or wrong, and no hope? How is this fair for anyone?
    • “But there is a god who made you for a reason, and your life has profound meaning!”

“Point to Ponder: I am not an accident”

I accept that i am not an accident. And that i was created the way i am for a reason. But these are all results of agency. decisions that my parents made without belief. I am thankful and proud of the path that it has taken me to get to the place today. I am proud to say i am from Hong Kong and that i live in Richmond. That i’m privilege with things most people may not have. But these are choices that my parents have chosen, and has thus changed my story. I chose to take classes on the weekend to learn languages and not give up. But you’re telling me that my parents CHOSE or that it was a part of the PLAN to allow me to lose hope through sport. It was the plan for me to lose something so dear to me – a sport-  during a critical period of my life. Yes. i found it again. but with the help of my friends. I chose these things in my life. and i make good choices. and i will continue to make good choices. If there was every anything in my life that i felt was “meant to be”. It would be King and Princess. I know i was made to save them. But even then. I fought my parents for their lives. I showed commitment. I showed that i care. I showed that they’re important. I DID IT ALL.

And she said, “I’ve been so worried about you lately
You look shit and smell a bit
You’re mad thinking you could ever save me
Not looking like that

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Day 1: I’m starting this with a critical eye.

I am agnostic. I am open to alternative povs. But that won’t stop me from criticizing something that challenges my way of living.

Let me start this journey by saying that I believe there is a “set story” in our lives. That every decision we make alters this story. Every day it changes a little. The fact that I decided to take a certain bus but not the other – Alters my life story. But whether this is due to some “supernatural being” controlling the board, or playing “i knew it”. I doubt it.

I want to document my thoughts. criticism. ideas. I guess as a proof for myself. Whatever the outcome is.

  • First of all. I’m not selfish. But I don’t believe I was put on to this earth for reasons to fulfill’s someone’s purpose or goals or whatever they’re called. I am on this earth because my parents wanted me to be here. I live to take care of my friends and family. To complete dreams and goals and have a complete life. How sad is it to live under someone else’s purpose. As if I’m a pawn in this great “story” or “narrative”. I do things that I think are good because i know that my judgement is correct. I have agency.
    • agency is the capacity of individuals to act independently and to make their own free choices.”
  • Why do I have to worry about what God created me to be? I have my own goals. I am aware of them. I would like to attack them without having to be concerned with external desires and expectations.
  • I’m content with not knowing. I live my life day to day. I completely accept that I know nothing about life and i am fine with it. I don’t want to know. and i am fine with not knowing. If i die today i would have no regrets. My only concern for my life to know that i’ve done good. and that i didn’t cause any harm or pain to people. I could die tomorrow for all i care and i would be fine.
    • “You were made by God and for God – and until you understand that, life will never make sense”
  • Why do we have to ask someone (whom has no proof exists) what the meaning of life is. I would like to create my own meaning and my own understanding of the world that I’m about to live for another 50 or so years. I’m not convince my life was created by this “guy”.
    • “The same is try for discovering your life’s purpose: Ask God”
  • My life has been a series of social interactions. I make meaning from the items that i surround myself with through social facts. Religion is merely a “Social Fact” (Durkheim) that i don’t believe in.
    • “To discover your purpose in life you must turn to God’s Word, not the world”
  • Hey. Thank you for designing some anxiety and depression into my life. Thank you making 2014 the shittiest year of my life. Really made me stronger and into who i am. Thanks. So fucking glorious. But then again. I won’t be who I am if i didn’t deal with it. But there we go again. I dealt with it. Agency. I made those choices. So thank you, me. Thank you for your will power, me.
    • “…he had his eye on us, had designs on us for glorious living”
  • Well. Fuck. I had my purpose picked out already
    • “You may choose your career, your spouse, your hobbies, and many other parts of your life, but you don’t get to choose your purpose”
  • My life has been fine the way it is. No need to congratulate me.
    • “Congratulations, you’re about to walk into the light”

As instructed by the book. There is stuff to think about:

“Points to Ponder: It’s not about me”

You’re right. It’s not about me. It’s about my friends and family. This also does not mean it’s about someone else that I didn’t choose. I have agency. I make choices that are good to the world, that are responsible, that are caring. I don’t need someone to tell me what I need to do or need not to do. I also don’t think it’s someone’s job to tell me that i’m wrong about what i believe in. As if your purpose is greater than my purpose because i don’t believe the same things you do. It’s unfair. Because. isn’t it about you now? That you have a purpose that is so “divine” that, i also need to have it? Hm. Makes you think doesn’t it.

I currently feel extremely empowered to critically critique this book.

I’ve got a God shaped hole
That’s infected
And I’m petrified of being alone now
It’s pathetic, I know

unforeseen.

i say/think about this quote a lot

 It’s not about who you’ve been with. It’s about who you end up with. Sometimes the heart doesn’t know what it wants until it finds what it wants. – Pam Beesly

i’m scared to overuse it. but the quote speaks some truth. all the other times, i never found what i wanted. i thought i did. and yet the one time that i wasn’t looking and anticipating. you pop out of no where.

i’m so thankful.

decisions, decisions

I’m struggling to make a good choice right now.

on one hand, i want to make the “smart” be good to myself. make a choice that i won’t regret. live a peaceful life.

on the other hand, i want to make a choice that makes up for all my loss time, loss efforts. something/someone that will treat me right. the way you never did. but this choice carries regret.

I feel like i’ve been cheated out of a good deal. i want to do something that will make up for it.

this could be you.

anger. that’s all i’ve been feeling. just. so much. anger.

my mahmah has been asking about you. i could’ve shared. but no. that’s not what happened

my popo was expecting to see you. but no. that’s not what happened.

i had a heart warming hotpot night with my popo and family. you could’ve been there. but no. that’s not what happened.

i went to ocean park, you could’ve been there. but no. that’s not what happened.

i went to cwb, and hysan today. you could’ve been there. but no. that’s not what happened.

i spent hours in the bookstore. you could’ve been there. but no. that’s not what happened.

i took a bus. then a tram for the first time, and the ferry. all by myself. you could’ve been there. but no. that’s not what happened.

i’m so sick. of feeling so angry.