the deed has been done.

So that’s it.

I’ve submitted the letter. I feel like i should’ve written more, but too late now. I’ve told them all that i feel, and i guess i hate no regrets? I mean…..I really can’t help but to feel concern right? I submitted it on……Tuesday, August 5th. The person at the Arts advising said i would get a reply by August 22nd. That’s in a week. But until then, i’m nervous.

No words can explain how sorry i am to my parents….and to myself.

I hope what the counselor said is true. The braces thing i did was to confront my problems and look for change. I hope that is recognized. I will do everything and anything to change my current situation if i’m granted the chance to go back.

It’s a weird feeling though. It’s as if after i handed in the letter, my heart, my mind, just……..feels lighter. maybe it’s because i know after i hand in the letter there really isn’t much i can do, it’s up to the advisers to decide. it’s like i’m living each day without that worry (what it was before). I like it. But i hate it at the same time so much. There really isn’t anything to worry about (because i have no control over it). It annoys me how easily i’m able to just “forget” something so serious though. This is important. I should keep it in my mind at all times. I don’t like how i can so easily just push it aside even if all that i can do has been done.

What hurt me the most was hearing yeye talk about how proud of me, he was. How it seem like i wasn’t doing much, Mopping around, doing nothing, like dirt. But not that i found this job, it seems like i’m doing so well, i’m (supposed to be) graduating soon, i’ve got a full time job for after graduation, i’m earning money, i can take care of myself….etc. They’re all so proud of me. But the truth is. That’s not true. If only they knew about the current situation that i’m in. I bet they wont be saying those words.

I’m praying on your lai see, uncle 3…i hope it has the “power” to wish me all the luck i need.
Please, please, please. I can’t say that enough. I’m so sorry. Please. just please. Those are the only words that i can think of at the moment. I promise i’ll work hard. I promise i will do everything expected of me. Please. P L E A S E.

hoping and praying.

i’m experiencing a million different emotions again. except, not in such short times again.

i reached out and there seems to be hope.
but there are now multiple thoughts that come with that.

  1. i must not think too highly of these chances, and understand that a chance is a chance. there are no guarantees. calm down, and work hard.
  2. prepare for failure. brace yourself.
  3. all i can do now is wait.
  4. if failure happens, these chances and opportunities were just because you are lucky. you still messed up.

i can’t thank these people enough for trying. there are no guarantees, but thank you, thank you, and thank you

guilt.

it seems like my dad is dealing with some job problems.

 

now i feel so guilty about my situation. so guilty.
how do i feel right that not only do my parents have to deal with their occupational dissatisfaction, but they also have to worry about me.

i don’t want to be selfish,
it makes it harder for me to be able to say something.

why is this all happening at once?

i’m so confused.

i’m feeling a million different emotions at once.

currently, on a normal basis i feel helpless, upset, triggered to cry at any thing. feeling horrible at the idea i may need to ask someone for help.
and then suddenly happy when i accomplish something that i worked on and getting feed back.
after that i may start to panic a little.

i feel so unstable. like i may fall off at any moment.
but i must stay strong if i’m going to finish they battle.

 

edit:// 6:19pm
New feelings.
Maybe it’s because i really haven’t been doing much other than sitting at home on my bed.
but this is what it feels like to lose your appetite.
i’m not hungry, i don’t feel like eating. but i do because i need to.
i feel sick from eating.

sulking

i’m currently at a low. i don’t even know if it’s because i’m at such a low that i’ve lost emotions.

my first hope is gone, and now i’m waiting on my second hope.
i will pray with all my might that i’m able to beat through this.
i’m so ready to move on, but i guess if the world can’t give you the chance, or you can’t create the chance, there’s nothing much you can do about it.

did the talk help? i guess, in terms of someone to comfort me.
and i really appreciate it.
but i know it isn’t going to help the situation. there’s no one that can help me expect myself.
do i want to ask amir for help? i honestly don’t, i feel like i’m cheating, and i don’t know what the consequences are if someone finds out.
but if i’m stuck with no path, will i? definitely,

i know sitting here being upset about it won’t help, and i must get back up to finish what i on my plate now.
but i just wanted to move on, i was ready to try again and succeed. and i still am ready to succeed.

can the world hear me plead? am i pleading hard enough?

helpless again.

i don’t even know what happened.
maybe it’s because i went to hand in my documents at arts advising that made me more nervous than normal. no idea. don’t know.
but it was the first time that my emotions have changed so much. basically from one side to another. how.
I felt like i didn’t wanna be at work, and i wanted to leave, i didn’t know what i was doing there. i wanted my friends there. i don’t know.

all it took was for Myette to mention her old office assistant, and how langara took her in for school that my heart sank.
how. is it because i know i’m on the line?

in my heart, all i want to say is “i promise, i promise.” but these people that are going to handle this are not the type of people that will easy fall for pleads. it’s about whether i tried or not, if i have legit reasons. and all i can currently do is just hope. that i can make it
but with so many dead lines coming up. i don’t even know how this will work out.

 

i don’t know what i’m doing here. i don’t know what is happening. i just want to move on. can you please let me. please. i’m almost there, almost there. i’m sorry. please.

this new job was supposed to be a happy thing for me,even if it was stressful, even if it’s hard, this is supposed to be happy. i don’t want this to effect my job, please. i’m helpless again.