i regret nothing

but i just hate the aftermath i need to deal with

the thoughts. the needy. the rebounding. the disbelief. the anger.

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this could be you.

anger. that’s all i’ve been feeling. just. so much. anger.

my mahmah has been asking about you. i could’ve shared. but no. that’s not what happened

my popo was expecting to see you. but no. that’s not what happened.

i had a heart warming hotpot night with my popo and family. you could’ve been there. but no. that’s not what happened.

i went to ocean park, you could’ve been there. but no. that’s not what happened.

i went to cwb, and hysan today. you could’ve been there. but no. that’s not what happened.

i spent hours in the bookstore. you could’ve been there. but no. that’s not what happened.

i took a bus. then a tram for the first time, and the ferry. all by myself. you could’ve been there. but no. that’s not what happened.

i’m so sick. of feeling so angry.

Paris

“Oh what a shame”

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no one saw it coming. no one asked you to show your hand. but you did.

i don’t know whether to be sorry this happened. or to be glad i can see everything so clearly.

i offered so many chances. so many opportunities. yet somehow we’ve come to this point.

these are my final words. i don’t know what you can do to make me feel better. or to convince me otherwise.

maybe one day you’ll reflect and you’ll understand why. maybe one day you’ll genuinely be able to open up and they would tell you what you need, and not what you want. and most importantly that you’ll listen.

i admit that i am partly to blame. it takes two people to work on a relationship. i run away from the problem. i don’t communicate well when that happens. i understand my faults. but do you? are you aware? do you think you’re correct. have you ever said sorry to me?

i’m partly mad. partly sad. but mostly disappointed. what a waste. so much potential.

Not going home.

Oh I’ve been dancin’
On my own, on my own
As long as you’re looking
I don’t feel alone

I feel so done. I’m so tired. I don’t have any more words that I can use to express my feelings. I don’t feel like anything I said made an impact. It’s like I was talking to a wall.

 

Do you understand? Were you listening? I don’t even know if I should bother explaining myself anymore because it feels like a waste of my efforts. What use is it explaining myself, if it won’t be acknowledged?

 

I’m so scared of not trying. I’m scared that I’ll one day get so tired that I won’t care anymore.

Who’s gonna walk you
Through the dark side of the morning?
Who’s gonna rock you
When the sun won’t let you sleep?
Who’s waking up to drive you home
When you’re drunk and all alone?
Who’s gonna walk you
Through the dark side of the morning?
It ain’t me

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I can’t think of what i’ve done wrong for this to happen. I’ve given the benefit of the doubt. I gave my understanding. I gave patience. I gave my knowledge. I’ve done all I can to help you see what I see, and for you to feel what I feel. What did I do wrong?

 

undecided.

I’m still wavering between “i really like you” and “i love you”

everything we do, our conversations, our confidence, all show a special bond. all irreplaceable

i know deep in my heart that i love you. and that i won’t know what to do with my life without you.

but. i. just haven’t been able to bring myself to tell you that i love you.

 

i never used to care. i used to throw this word around like nothing; love.

with you. the game has completely changed. i can’t say it’s because i’m afraid of the past; that it has scarred me.

 

maybe it’s because i don’t want to ruin this thing we have. i’m sure of us. but i want to beĀ extra sure. who knows.

my inability to tell you that isn’t a sign that i don’t. i’m waiting for that click. i’m waiting for that moment.

 

I’m waiting patiently though time is moving slow
I have one vacancy and I wanted you to know that
You’re the one designed for me

– Sam Smith