reliance.

i’m intrigued by our powers to remain silent.

he’s probably busy with friends. but this standstill, this silence.

 

it amuses me.

just like the other one’s silence.

perhaps he is busy, but this game. this silence.

it also amuses me.

i’m not too sure if i’m feeling emotionless.

or if i’m just still in shock

i’m sure if things head to the good side in the end i would look back thinking i was just being silly, but it was something to worry about.

but i currently don’t feel as worried as much i think i should be….

maybe that’s because there’s nothing i can worry about atm….

failing.

Have you ever felt like a failure?

Because I just did today. And it’s not like i want to talk to anyone about this either. That’s the problem. Only I can deal with this problem. But maybe this is just something that comes with wanting face and keeping my reputation, but I went from having such lows, to a little bit of a high, and now look where I am again.

I don’t even know if there’s even anything worth celebrating…..

I know the position I’m currently in doesn’t exactly mean that I’ve hit a dead end and there is nothing I can do about, but the feeling of waiting, that you’ve already messed up. The CHANCE that you can’t save it. This is what is scary.

What am I going to do if the bad things happen? How am i going to face myself and wake up every morning telling myself that everything will still be okay?

 

I guess time will tell.

 

but until then. I guess i’m back to writing online.

a place to dump my deepest and darkest secrets? or just things i don’t want to tell anyone because they’re not worth telling and I still want my face and reputation?

 

I hope i can look back at this in a few year and say. I had some really deep lows, but it made be stronger and better.