bottle it up and throw it out to sea.

today has just been one of those days where i really wanted to type here and talk about stuff.
there’s so much that i’ve been thinking about that lately,
but without deep concern or intense thoughts.
i just…think about them, and the idea goes away.
but unlucky me,
i end up thinking about it again within a few days.
i guess i shouldn’t be like before and mention it without names
since i know no one really reads this anymore, might as well write everything as straight forward as possible to that in the future i remember what my problems were and so i can laugh about them right?

so the first thing that popped into my head today that caused me to write here was the topic of boyfriend.
seeing this friend of mine (i guess it is better not to use names incase they decided to stalk my links)
and they really want a partner, like, LOTS,
so i started thinking about it and asking myself questions,

Do you want a boyfriend?

do i?…i mean, it not a matter of want, or don’t want. i guess if i’m lucky enough to find someone that’s right i don’t think i would reject it. whatever is thrown my way i guess i’ll be ready

are you going to make a strong effort?

i guess not, whatever happens will happen right?

is there anyone that you like or think about right now that you really want?

nope. thinkin’ about the past, there’s always a time where i think about the “what ifs”
what if i did what i was afraid to do when i was with alan,
would i still be here in this position? no. i know that for a fact.
but then again, i also know that we probably wouldn’t last that long anyways.
i guess i’ll just keep him in my memory as the person that changed my life, and i learned a lesson.
i don’t even know what i still think about this,
but i guess i should embrace the fact that i do, and i should consider myself lucky.
and calvin.
thinking about it more deeply. i don’t think i was crazy in love in him (which is what i thought)
i think i just wanted someone to…idolize? have that fan girl feeling with? i don’t know.
maybe he has the qualities of someone that i want to be with, but he’s just not the one?
but i do know for a fact that i probably in love.
i was probably just crazy.

i think these questions that i’m thinking about also come from the fact that i’m watching this drama
and i mean, it might not be completely because of the drama or what not,
but that fan girl feeling. don’t get any at all.
maybe i’m getting older, maybe i don’t need that stuff anymore
but i’m not sure, it’s just interesting to see the different reactions and changes that i go through now.

i like how as i write my mine wanders for a while,
and i forget/lost the passion for what i really wanted to talk about

but for sure the next time i wanted to talk about is my curfews and shit…
i guess if i were to compare with a shan some parts might not be considered abnormal or weird.
but it still bothers me,
how some people are allowed to go out late, (past 12)
and here i am, stuck with the asian cinderella syndrome,
and the fact how some people have the opportunity to go to vacation with some friends,
in their own, designated group of friends,
because, well the answer is simple.
they’re more popular than i am. well i am guess of this
there is no proof. but this is my most educated guess,
and most reasonable one too.
none of this has anything to do with because i’m young
and while my dad complains i didn’t do shit around the house this whole week
which i would agree to,
he pulled out a line
” you’re not two anymore, you’re almost twenty”

well don’t you think i should have the same opportunities that other normal 20 year olds have?
because the life style that i’m living now is NOTHING,
NOTHING i repeat close to what a twenty year old is living as,
true, life style change comes maturity or opportunities.
but when i was 17 and wanted a job, you told me no.
and now i’m 19, you want me to do more shit.
but too bad,
i don’t want to anymore, i’ll do it when i want.
and now i’m 19, but my life i still down to when i’m 17, grade 12, two years back.

this lack of freedom kills me.
i wonder if they know.
i agree this is all better than what if was a few years ago,
in fact, the changes are exponential towards the better.
but this is all that i should have gotten 2 years back.