tempormental relief of the week.

okay, okay.
that was a bad idea.
yes i get it.
i unno, it was one of those
“ARIEL DO IT. OR ELSE YOU’LL REGRET”
and now i do regret.
great.
and when i needed a gut move so i WON’T have a regret.
i don’t get it.
and then there’s another regret.
the last time few times i’ve check
just when i thought my life was heading towards the better,
it didn’t

i mean,
the mistakes and the problems that people go through shape who they are
well fuck that i’ve had enough.
i want something to right for a once.
and it’s been a long time since i remembered something going right.

i know this isn’t going to happen
but i want things to go back to when they were the happiest.
i don’t wanna feel like it’s an effort to smile everyday
cuz right now.
it’s feeling a little like that.

now i just feel like another complaining loser about how their life sucks shit.
and to me,
i’ve never felt lonelier
never felt so cold since alan
and i don’t like revisiting that place.
it took me a year to completely get over it i have no clue why
(once again i think it’s the situation more than the person)
and i do not wish to spend another year of my life wasted.

RAGE.
i wish i didn’t always write my memories in my little book of secrets with my favouite pen,
it only makes me hate myself more.

editt//` @ 11:56pm

OH I GET THE IRONY.
ALL MY EXES BROKE UP WITH ME IN AUGUST.
AHAHAHAHAHAHA
SO FUNNY.

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8 days later

can’t believe it’s only been 8 days since i wrote,
i thought it would’ve been like,
2 weeks.
jeez time passes fast
i get my condition got better i guess,
cuz right now,
it feels like i suffered head damage,
and i just woke up from it
and i feel like a part of my memory is gone,
something that i don’t want to remember
and people around me won’t tell me.
cuz something’s not right
i’m missing something. and i don’t know what.
until i find out,
i think i’ll just sit there,

that should be me.

i know copying and pasting lyrics are annoying,
and i grew out of it,
and today i’ll break the rules.


Everybody’s laughing in my mind
Rumors spreadin’ ’bout this other guy
Do you do what you did when you did with me
Does he love you the way I can
Did you forget all the plans that you made with me
Cause baby I didn’t

That should be me holding your hand
That should be me making you laugh
That should be me this is so sad
That should be me, That should be me
That should be me feeling your kiss
That should be me buying you gifts

This is so wrong
I can’t go on
‘Till you believe
But that should be me
That should be me

You said you needed a little time from my mistakes
It’s funny how you used that time to have me replaced
Did you think that I wouldn’t see you out at the movies

What you doin’ to me
You’re taking him where we used to go
Now if you’re trying to break my heart
It’s working cause you know

That that should be me holding your hand
That should be me making you laugh
That should be me this is so sad
That should be me, That should be me
That should be me feeling your kiss
That should be me buying you gifts

This is so wrong
I can’t go on
‘Till you believe
That should be me

I need to know should I fight
For love Or disarm
It’s getting harder to shield
This pain from my heart

Ooh Ooh

That should be me holding your hand
That should be me making you laugh
That should be me this is so sad
That should be me, That should be me
That should be me feeling your kiss
That should be me buying you gifts

This is so wrong
I can’t go on
‘Till you believe
That that should be me

Holding your hand
That should be me
The one making you laugh (oh baby oh)
That should be me

That should be me
Giving you flowers
That should be me
Talking for hours
That should be me (that should be me)
That should be me

That should be me
Never should’ve let you go
I never should’ve let you go
That should be me
I never shoulda let you go
That should be me

i mean, the point of this song is quite obvious no?
and i’m not pointing any fingers, don’t get me wrong.
but obviously when you feel bad you have to express?
keeping it in will only make it worst
and today, it’s talking about replacement.
once again no fingers are being point.

see the thing that confuses me (kinda)
is why am i not angry.
i deserve to be angry.
i “should” be angry.
and yet i’m sitting here, just, confused.
like it just zoomed past me without a trace
and it’s kinda like a bad haircut where there’s no point of getting angry cuz he already cut it,
and there’s no way it gonna look the way it did before unless you glue it back on…
like, i just subconsciously got played no?
and i’m trying to solve this,
and i suddenly realize that this isn’t the first time i’ve been replaced
and it took me so long to realize.
after breaking up with alan,
i was completely replace by other people leaving me out of the loop
fending for myself.
oh and then after the storm that i raised,
i realized that i once again just got replaced.
that’s 3 times. how nice.
and i can’t help saying,
that should be me. i should be doing that.

i’ve been left behind 3 times.
and strange,
i remember talking to Lo and he said something like “cuz you’re always the one that gets hurt so ur always complaining about it”
HA. funny.
i guess my life just works that way,
this is my destiny.
naively believe and help someone cuz i care
put my whole heart into the situation
and in the end, when they find their happiness
they just leave.

i’m so stupid.
i need to shake it off.

just dump it all here.

well first of all HAPPY THANKS GIVING!
and then we move on,
today first shall we?

well so it’s thanks giving,
and i’m just here thinking about
what to update on my fb stat (yes i think about this stuff)
and at one point i was thinking about writing something like
“thanks for everything friends”
and thinking about the past possibly typing
“i’ll would’ve never been here if it wasn’t for you!” *dramatic*
and since fb has this thing on the tool bar where it’s like “Photo Memories”
i thought, hm isn’t this nice and take a look at the past
when i loved trying to be tb,
and my camwhore days,
and as i start looking,
i once again see the greatest regret of my life.
and don’t understand,
even if people aren’t tired to listening to me talk about this.
i am.
i’m sick of talking about you.
and yet i’m STILL afraid to type his name out.
is it maybe cuz i’m a lonely person that NEEDS my friends?
perhaps,
but till this day, i think it’s the biggest regret that i lost a friend.
he probably doesn’t give a shit, cuz life moves on.
but on the friend vs. lover stance in life.
i’m still standing there.
never again am i gonna lose another friend.
or maybe its just cuz i’m telling myself i regret
and so i do.
never again. never again.

let see what has past since i last wrote…

um my birthday?
got a hp net book and i ended up returning it and getting an asus one when i went to the states this long weekend 🙂
YAY!
and might i saw good 18th birthday?
nice going ariel.

did my first uni midterm! :O
and didn’t study.
i feel guilty.
NEVER AGAIN.

the day before today was  10/10/10
can’t wait till 11/11/11? X)

okay i just totally lost what i wanted to say X)