new school year, new troubles

i promise i’ll keep this to only a half an hour write,
but i feel like xanga is just my depressed area,
only writing when i feel like shit,
fun eh?

i unno,
all i can say with this “frustration” is i unno
cuz it’s not even a frustration, and i can’t say i’m confused cuz i’m not.
i guess it’s cuz i’m feeling NOTHING,
like, i’m not YAY, or NAY
and yet at the same time i’m not…
it’s like i’m in some other realm…
see in one way i already saw it coming,
and in another i didn’t know, yet i’m not shock.
what am i supposed to feel,
and now i’m lost.

i guess the above is just confusion,
but i guess the problem that is hitting me the hardest is,
my hair.
yea, i cut it.
yea i lovED it
and now i’m not sure.
stupid eh?
i’ve been hearing lots of  “i like your hair now”
me too guys, me too
but at the same time,
i hear, “you’re my BRO”, “your hair is like THAT GUYS”, “i saw this GUY and i thought it was you”,
“from the back i thought you were a GUY”
and at the same time, i try to tell myself,
it’s okay,
because short hair is me,
i chose to do this,
girls with strong hair look stronger,
i don’t wanna rely on anyone anymore,
i chose to be different
i am different and i choose to embrace that.

so i was feeling better when looking for a picture for this blog,
until i found this

so now IT IS my fault,
i KNOW that short hair looks like a guy
and yet i chose to do this to myself,
and the truth is,
for people that don’t know me
i look like nothing but a guy,
this is the point where i ask myself why do i care so much?
why does it matter what other people think?
well i guess i’m scared to be alone,
not socially accepted,

to be honest,
it’s been 3 years since i’ve found that feeling
right now?
i’m no where close to reaching that place.