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the deed has been done.

So that’s it.

I’ve submitted the letter. I feel like i should’ve written more, but too late now. I’ve told them all that i feel, and i guess i hate no regrets? I mean…..I really can’t help but to feel concern right? I submitted it on……Tuesday, August 5th. The person at the Arts advising said i would get a reply by August 22nd. That’s in a week. But until then, i’m nervous.

No words can explain how sorry i am to my parents….and to myself.

I hope what the counselor said is true. The braces thing i did was to confront my problems and look for change. I hope that is recognized. I will do everything and anything to change my current situation if i’m granted the chance to go back.

It’s a weird feeling though. It’s as if after i handed in the letter, my heart, my mind, just……..feels lighter. maybe it’s because i know after i hand in the letter there really isn’t much i can do, it’s up to the advisers to decide. it’s like i’m living each day without that worry (what it was before). I like it. But i hate it at the same time so much. There really isn’t anything to worry about (because i have no control over it). It annoys me how easily i’m able to just “forget” something so serious though. This is important. I should keep it in my mind at all times. I don’t like how i can so easily just push it aside even if all that i can do has been done.

What hurt me the most was hearing yeye talk about how proud of me, he was. How it seem like i wasn’t doing much, Mopping around, doing nothing, like dirt. But not that i found this job, it seems like i’m doing so well, i’m (supposed to be) graduating soon, i’ve got a full time job for after graduation, i’m earning money, i can take care of myself….etc. They’re all so proud of me. But the truth is. That’s not true. If only they knew about the current situation that i’m in. I bet they wont be saying those words.

I’m praying on your lai see, uncle 3…i hope it has the “power” to wish me all the luck i need.
Please, please, please. I can’t say that enough. I’m so sorry. Please. just please. Those are the only words that i can think of at the moment. I promise i’ll work hard. I promise i will do everything expected of me. Please. P L E A S E.

hoping and praying.

i’m experiencing a million different emotions again. except, not in such short times again.

i reached out and there seems to be hope.
but there are now multiple thoughts that come with that.

  1. i must not think too highly of these chances, and understand that a chance is a chance. there are no guarantees. calm down, and work hard.
  2. prepare for failure. brace yourself.
  3. all i can do now is wait.
  4. if failure happens, these chances and opportunities were just because you are lucky. you still messed up.

i can’t thank these people enough for trying. there are no guarantees, but thank you, thank you, and thank you